There are costs involved with being the strong one

In the financial industry, strength is often seen as a prerequisite for success — yet few talk openly about the personal cost of always being “the strong one.” Coach Fanny Schaetti has made this her mission. We are talking with her about women who aim high, lead teams, and navigate demanding environments, and what can help them understand not only how to rise, but how to rise sustainably. In the end, it is about climbing the career ladder without burning out.

In the financial industry, strength is often seen as a prerequisite for success — yet few talk openly about the personal cost of always being “the strong one.” Coach Fanny Schaetti has made this her mission. She works with women who aim high, lead teams, and navigate demanding environments, helping them understand not only how to rise, but how to rise sustainably. Her work sheds light on blind spots, resilience, ambition, and the emotional toll that can accompany leadership.

For the Fondsfrauen community, she offers a refreshing perspective: strength is valuable, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of one’s wellbeing. In this conversation, we explore what women in finance need to know about climbing the career ladder — and how they can do it without burning out.

For those of you who want to experience Fanny’s work directly: she’s offering a free online 3 day challenge (29. Sept – 1. Oct 18:00 – 19:15), for which you can register here.

Fanny, as a coach, you work closely with ambitious women. What are the core themes you see coming up again and again in your work?

What I keep seeing is really capable women. They’re high performers, people others rely on, and often they’re carrying a lot at home as well. But inside, they’re becoming exhausted. They’re losing their energy, their joy, that spark they used to have.

They’ve become so good at being there for others that asking for help feels difficult. They struggle to delegate because they think, “I’ll do it faster or better myself,” or because needing help feels like weakness.

And often there’s this feeling that whatever they do, it’s never quite enough. So they keep performing, anticipating, taking care of things.

It sounds as if they are capable of doing it all. What is the thread?

The thread is that they are running through all of this and get disconnected from themselves. They know what everyone else needs, but they’re less sure what they want, what they need, or when they’ve reached their limit. That’s where much of my work begins.

What is your story with this situation? I.e. what sparked your interest in exploring the idea of “being the strong one” — and why does it resonate so strongly with women in demanding careers?

It comes from my own life. I worked in finance for over six years. I started with no experience and no network, progressed quickly, and eventually joined the institutional team.

It was a demanding environment. I was working alongside people with years of experience, and I had so much to learn. I became a top performer, brought in deals worth 20 million, and helped bring in our first pension fund, bank, and family-office clients.

But I didn’t know when it was enough. Even when I was delivering more than I’d thought possible, I still felt I needed to do more. Eventually, I burned out.

How do you look at this situation now?

I knew I was a high achiever and a perfectionist. But knowing that hadn’t stopped me from hitting the wall.

During my recovery, I started to understand the pattern of being the strong one and especially how it affected also my body. For me, achievement was tied to approval and feeling good enough. Understanding my nervous system, and reconnecting with my body, emotions, and needs, became an important part of my recovery.

Talking and understanding had helped, but I also needed to notice what was happening in me, physiologically, not just mentally, and respond differently.

I think this resonates because demanding careers can reward the very behaviors that are costing us: always being available, always delivering, never appearing to need anything. It can be difficult to question a pattern that has helped you succeed.

How long did it take you to recover?

It took about 1.5 years to come back fully to myself, to have drive again.

So don’t wait for the burnout, because it takes a long time to recover.

Wow, 1.5 years is a long time! How can a woman realistically assess whether she’s ready — emotionally, mentally, and structurally — to climb the next step on the career ladder?

The first question I’d ask is: why do you want this next step? Do you want the work and opportunities it offers, or do you feel it’s what you should want? The higher salary can be a driver, too.

In my own career, part of me wanted to prove I could succeed. But a powerful driver was wanting to make my dad proud. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that. It’s about recognizing how much it’s influencing your choices.

Then I’d look at your current capacity. What is your stress load? Do you have room to recover? Are you excited by the role, or already exhausted and hoping the next achievement will finally make you feel enough?

And I’d look at the conditions around the role. What would actually change? What authority, resources, and support would you have? What would need to change at home or at work to make it sustainable?

You don’t need to feel perfectly balanced or completely confident before taking an opportunity. But it helps to be honest about what you want and what you need.

My focus is self-leadership: staying connected to yourself as you make those choices. Ambition can be a wonderful thing. I want women to pursue it with a clear sense of whose life they’re building.

Are there typical blind spots you observe in women who consider stepping into leadership roles?

One blind spot I see is women assuming that being capable means they should be able to handle everything themselves. They struggle to delegate, ask for help, or set boundaries. Sometimes they’re so focused on what everyone else needs that they don’t even notice their own needs.

What makes those things so difficult?

For some women, it started long before their career. They learned that being good, achieving, or not needing much from others was how they earned approval and felt accepted. For example, at school: When they came home with good grades, their parents gave them an extra portion of love. Being capable became part of how they understood their own worth. And a demanding workplace can reinforce that.

So asking for help can feel like admitting they’re not good enough. Saying “no” can feel like letting someone down.

That’s why I look beyond “you need better boundaries” and ask: “What are you afraid might happen if you stopped handling everything?” That gives us somewhere more useful to start.

From your perspective, what are the biggest advantages — and the biggest drawbacks — for women pursuing senior positions in the financial industry?

The opportunity is having more influence: shaping decisions, developing people, and helping create the kind of workplace you want to work in.

The challenge is that responsibility and visibility can increase without the support or authority to match.

From my perspective, the important question is: does this role give me the resources, authority, and support to do what it asks of me? And what would I need personally to make it sustainable?

A promotion can be a wonderful opportunity. But the title alone won’t answer those questions.

You often say that “being the strong one” comes with a cost. What kinds of costs do you see most frequently?

Often, from the outside, these women look like they have it all together. They’ve built a business or a successful career. People count on them. But inside, they’re exhausted, and they’ve lost some of their joy, a part of themselves.

Their mind keeps working after the day ends: replaying a conversation, preparing for the next meeting, wondering whether they did enough. Even when they have time to rest, they feel guilty taking it. And achievements bring only brief relief before they’re focused on the next thing.

There’s a cost to relationships too. They have less patience, and sometimes feel resentment because they’re carrying so much. People may stop checking whether they need support because they always seem to be handling everything. That can feel very lonely.

But one of the deepest costs is losing touch with themselves. They know what their job needs, what their family needs, what everyone expects. But ask, “What do YOU want?” and suddenly they’re not so sure. That’s something I recognize from my own life too.

If a woman is consistently the strong one in her team or family, how can she protect herself from exhaustion and chronic over-responsibility?

I’d look at two things: how your nervous system responds to stress, and the pattern that makes you feel responsible for everything. The first is learning to recognize what happens in your body under pressure. Are you tense, rushing, finding it difficult to switch off? Do you notice those signals, or keep pushing past them?

Then there’s the pattern: does asking for help feel like weakness? Does saying “no” bring guilt or fear of disappointing someone?

We can work with both. And one practical place to start is to pause before your automatic “yes”. You can say, “Let me check what I already have on, and I’ll get back to you.” Clarify what’s needed and when. Then ask yourself: “Do I have the capacity? What would saying yes cost me? And is this actually mine to carry?”

At work, that might sound like: “I can take this on, but we’ll need to move another deadline. Which is the priority?”

At home, it might be: “I need you to take responsibility for dinner tonight, including deciding what we’re having.”

Start with something small. Notice any guilt or discomfort without immediately taking the task back. Feeling guilty doesn’t automatically mean you’ve done something wrong.

And if the workload is consistently too much, it needs to be shared or changed. Making space to recover matters, but so does having less to carry.

Do senior women pay different professional or emotional costs than senior men — or are the challenges fundamentally similar?

I work with both, and I hear common themes: pressure to deliver, difficulty asking for support, and a sense that their worth depends on how much they achieve or do for others.

But those pressures can take different forms. Some men I work with feel a strong expectation to provide and stay in control. Admitting they’re struggling can feel particularly difficult.

For women, there can be an additional double bind: be confident and decisive, but don’t be too forceful. Be caring and approachable, but don’t be too soft. The same behavior can be judged differently, and constantly monitoring how you come across adds another layer of pressure.

Also, women have to work harder to be taken as seriously as men. They have to prove themselves more.

So I wouldn’t say the costs are identical, or turn it into a competition about who has it harder. In my work, I’m interested in what each person feels they’re not allowed to admit. “I’m overwhelmed.” “I need help.” “I disagree.” “I don’t want this anymore.”

When you always have to appear strong, it can become difficult to acknowledge those things even to yourself. That’s where I help people reconnect with what they feel and need, and find ways to express it.

If you could share only two key insights with women working in finance, which ones would you choose — and why?

The first is: get to know your operating system, your nervous system! We learn so much about performing, achieving, and managing other people, but often very little about how we respond to stress ourselves. What happens in your body and brain under pressure? Can you settle when the pressure passes, or do you keep going as if everything is still urgent?

Understanding that was a missing piece for me. It helped me look beyond “I’m a perfectionist” and start recognizing what I needed. I wish I’d understood it 25 years ago, long before my burnout!

Knowing this intellectually is a good start, but on its own it usually isn’t enough to actually change anything. The real shift happens when you work with what’s happening in your body too, not just in your head. That’s the part that made the difference for me.

The second is: don’t wait until you can’t keep going to take yourself seriously! The constant mental replay, difficulty resting, losing your energy or enjoyment of life: those changes deserve attention, even if you’re still delivering excellent results.

It’s easy to think, “After this project, then I’ll rest.” But if the finish line keeps moving, it’s worth asking what needs to change now.

You don’t have to reach breaking point to deserve support!

And if you recognize yourself in this, that’s what we’ll explore in my free three-day challenge, The Cost of Being the Strong One, from September 29 to October 1. We’ll look at your stress responses and the patterns that keep you carrying so much, with practical steps you can try. On day two, there’s also a guided experiential session, giving you space to pause and reconnect with yourself.

Thank you Fanny, for this open and refreshing interview!

Foto: Fanny Schaetti

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